Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
