he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
