Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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