I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
