My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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