So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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