How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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