Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
