you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
