You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
