you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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