my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
