youre lurking in front of me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
