Please, let me fuck your mom
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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