I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
