Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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