remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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