"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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