I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
