Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
