I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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