I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
