I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
