Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
