It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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