i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Randomize