I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
