i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
