Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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