I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
