I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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