nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize