i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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