It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
