Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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