When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
