Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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