I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
