If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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