last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
