my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
