Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Damn victory sex feels great
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
