I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
