no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize