I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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