im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
