all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
