I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're a waste of cheezeits
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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