Four minutes until I can fart!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
