It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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