Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
