So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
