you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize