I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
