I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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