Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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