I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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