Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
