woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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